I'm in a strange mood right know. All my life, one of my goals was to become an actress - or an archaeologist. So, after a year of studying English and History, and a psychological breakdown (not because of the study), I started acting school eventually. And graduated - successfully.
Another one of my life goals was moving to London. My favourite city in the world.
So I started to inform myself about London life a few months ago, talked to someone who immigrated herself, made a plan how to get there, looked for flat and house shares, and whatever else I need to know to build myself a living there.
But now, I am here. In London. To look for a living place locally. And somehow I started to question myself if this is really what I wanted. Do I really want to move, to actually live here? Originally, I'm from a small town, more like a village, in Southern Germany, and of course starting a completely new life is hard and also shocking at first, especially when the destination is a foreign country. But when I think about it, the notion is so conflicting.
Now don't get me wrong: I still love and adore London, but somehow I suddenly can't see myself as a citizen here. Even with my cat.
So, what happened?
It's only my third day here. It's the first time in my life that I travel on my own. I bordered the plane while almost crying because I'm so afraid of the departure (I feel really sick when the plane starts to take off. Really hate that feeling.) and still I smiled like a fool every time I reminded myself that I'd be in London soon. I found my way to my host (who is also really lovely and sweet) quite relaxed. But still...
... I might kind of having a life crisis right now where I suddenly start to question my whole life, the path I so badly wanted to walk on. And I am not even exactly sure why. And even more, the last time I had been in London (about five years ago), I got this really awful cold sore (like, really awful, my whole lower lip was full of those blebs, and I couldn't even close my mouth properly). And now, on this third day, it appeared again. Though not as bad as the last time but still.
I'm not even sure if I want to pursue acting right now in this state of mind. Feeling lost and confused. But who doesn't feel that way in the beginning of, well I guess anything? Maybe I'll start a training for another profession and do the acting thing on the side.
I'll be here for another week, so maybe in that time, I find an answer. Who knows. And even if the answer turns out to be "No, I'm not ready/I don't want to move here. Or at least not alone.", at least I did something I had never done before. And even that's a success.
At this moment, I keep seeing this trip as a self-exploring and -discovering adventure, and that is a good thing. And hopefully, it gets me closer to what I really want in life.
Well, that's it for now. Talk to you again later.
P.S.: But all that bitter-sweet thinking doesn't mean I'm not enjoying London. So, here are a few pics from my first three days. :)
Oh and today, I was inside the most beautiful book shop I've seen so far. Daunt Books in Marylebone. For anyone who loves books or cozy, old-fashioned rooms: a must visit!